I read in my book today:
It's not about what you do, but about who you are. I came to understand that it was my willingness to face the truth about myself, and to show up as authentically as possible that would make the difference in having a meaningful life. I try to live from my core and my spirit, versus doing something because someone else might like it.(Emphasis added.)
Since I've been home from the PCT I've been working part-time and temporary jobs. I started out making no income. Then I was making a couple of hundred a month. Then a few hundred more. Lately my income has been pretty good. Almost like money falls from the sky. I don't know how it happened, but I think it has something to do with just being who I am rather than worrying about what I do.
I'm reminded about a web page I found about a couple that decided decades ago to live a simple life and that to make it work has often relied on faith. You just have to trust that it will work out. It seems to be working out for me.
Here I am, getting ready to hike again, going to school, learning new things, my whale job was supposed to end but now we've got a ton of new work so it continues, checks came in the mail for my book and some other things, my freelancing work continues to bring in a tiny little bit here and there. It all keeps working out.
I now see my hike as being part of the flow of my life. I'll complete it this year. In the middle I've gotten to learn a few things about not defining myself by a glamorous job and about having faith that things will work out. After the hike, everything will continue to work out. The whales will still be there. School will still be there. Freelancing will still be there. Great jobs will still be there. I will still be there, forging on like always
So, feeling free and like I'm doing the right thing, I now feel much less ambivalent. I feel excited about getting back out there to complete the trail. I'm looking forward to it. It seems less like an escape from a bad situation and more like walking onward into the continuation of my life.