Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Vivid dreams last night

I had vivid dreams last night. I dreamed I was sleeping in my quilt and bivy sack at the PCT Kickoff. It's strange to dream that you are sleeping. I guess I'll have to go to the Kickoff.

I dreamed about my whale job. I was just working away.

I left work today after only 4.5 hours. I hope they don't give away my remaining time to someone else. I felt worried about what I'm going to do once my job was over. Panicky worry, breathing fast.

I worried about my test all day in my database class. It is hard to concentrate on such things as studying. I'm so used to the find what you need and get it done approach that I've been doing for so many years. I took the test and thought I did ok. I did not do as well as I thought I did but at least I passed.

I got a check in the mail for royalties on my book. It's my first check. It's not enough to live on, or enough to thru-hike on, that's for sure, but fine for a hobby and a labor of love.

I got a call out of the blue from a head-hunter. He said someone recommended me as a brilliant programmer. I felt panicked about that, imagining myself being locked in the prison of another corporate environment. I don't know what to do about this. I mean I felt like hyperventilating and everything. How will I ever get back into the system again? How will I survive? Tony's going to hate me.

Too many worries. I'm scared for my future. As I rode my scooter to my class I looked at the road. I imagined myself walking a long, straight path. Direct, slow, simple, a pure direction to a pure destination. Clarity and mindfulness. I like my present too much.

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