Thursday, December 11, 2008

Locked out forever?

I've been feeling a lot of guilt and a sense of being a failure lately for dropping out of the high-powered life. I look at these professional women out there with their nice clothes and professional savvy and feel like I don't measure up. I play music (earned $11 the other night), analyze audio files, work in a pet shop and sell old bikes. Can't really flaunt that. I wonder if I've locked myself out of the work world forever.

On the other hand, I have secret feelings of relief and happiness. A low-powered life just feels more like I'm being true to myself. And many women leave work for a while to raise children so I ought not feel that I'm locked out of a career forever. I know that chasing a fancy career really is not for me anyway. The stress of a high-powered career feels to me like making a dying rather than making a living.

Still, society does not always agree with the kind of life I'm living and may punish me somehow.

There are some good classes in the City College schedule this semester. I should sign up and take them. Expand my database knowledge. Learn a little more programming. Make some connections so I can find work when my current well runs dry.

The other day, while doing my somewhat boring whale audio analyzing job, I felt very happy. It is boring but I really enjoy it. It does not take all day to do the job. I can come and go as I please. It pays somewhat decently and I'm surrounded by nice people. It's very low stress.

I sat next to someone who clearly did not like the job. He spent most of the hour that he was there coloring circles on a piece of paper and jiggling the work bench. When he wasn't doing that he was texting his friends on his phone. The phone buzzed every 30 seconds or so. It made me feel a little angry that he didn't appreciate the job. Then I just felt sorry for him.

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