Monday, March 10, 2008

Putting on the guilt

The Callings book says that when you finally decide to follow your dream all the demons of hell come out to meet you, to send you back to safety. "Bring it on," I thought in my head when I decided to do the PCT. I have some curiosity what the demons of hell are for me. Well, some things I've noticed:

Everybody is so nice to me at work. They really don't want me to go. It's so much easier to leave a job if I hate everybody. But everybody is so nice and they like me and hate to see me go. This is hard to deal with. I feel so guilty.

The mail now is full of 401K rollover forms and "don't let yourself go without health insurance" forms. How could I be throwing away a safe and secure future for unknown and danger? What if I get hurt? Like sitting in front of a computer for years and years can't hurt you? But I do fear the lack of money and the "what now" at the end of the big hike.

My birds. What about my poor birds?

Tony. What about my poor Tony? Will he be able to handle the birds on his own? Will everybody be sad without me?

Then there are the "signs." Like the air-conditioning that drove me to leave isn't as cold, and the web design email list I tried to unsubscribe to didn't unsubscribe me but somehow the PCT one did. What's up with that? Is that a sign I'm making a terrible mistake?

Ah well, if I don't follow my dream because of my fears then what will become of me? I'll become one of these people who start thoughts with "if only" and "what if I had" and who sit in rocking chairs at the old folks' home without stories of adventure to tell. Isn't that worse than a couple of pangs of guilt?

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