Tuesday, March 29, 2011

My thoughts go round and round

I've been feeling lately like it's time to get a new job. I need a job with better pay and higher quality, more professional work. Something to feel proud of.

But then I remember that The Man was thinking of hiking the PCT next year and I think I should wait until after the hike. I don't want to find a really good job just to quit a year later. And then I start thinking what if he doesn't hike next year and I blow a whole year working at my low-budget job when I could have earned twice as much money for a year?

And then I start thinking about how The Man tends to be more talk than action and I really am wasting a year waiting for the inevitable let-down and that there's no way we'll ever attempt a thru-hike and I should just go get a job now.

And then I start thinking about how boring and meaningless my life seems going to work every day, listening to the TV blaring all night and I wonder if I could make a real commitment to a high-paying career-type job now that I know there's more life out there than this. Maybe I should just stick to what I'm doing now. At least I have time during the day to pursue other interests.

But my interests cause difficulties at home because I'm not conventional enough. I just feel sometimes that from all angles everything external in this modern world seems to hate who I am, and that I'm a square peg and who on earth would hire someone like me anyway?

So then I wonder why would I even want a better, more highly-skilled job when the world is mean and hates me. What I really want is to go hiking where nature is alive with love and beauty and kindness and with real pain that hurts in the body but not in the psyche.

But if I could do the high-pay job for a few years I could save enough money to quit and go hiking for the rest of my life. Maybe hiking on the weekends is enough to get by for a few years. Maybe it's time for a real job.

And then the cycle of my thoughts start all over again.


  1. You know what I think? I don't think you ever get anywhere good by not following your heart.

  2. I can't figure out what it wants.

  3. Wow, so I go to work this morning learn some recruiter is looking to talk to me. I also get told that I have to cut my work hours 20%. I guess the direction where I should go is going to be given to me.