Hiker Hunger

I remember the day my hiker hunger kicked in. It was the day after Mission Creek Canyon, the day before Big Bear.

I struggled up Mission Creek Canyon with no energy at all. I could barely make it. I couldn't figure out how it could feel so steep and look so level. At the end of the canyon it gets really steep as it goes up to Mission Creek Camp. I thought I would never make it.

The next day I was sitting by the side of the road casually snacking on one of my tiny little bags of dried fruit and nuts. I would normally ration one bag for the whole day. Before I knew it I had eaten the whole bag. I suddenly had more energy. Then I found bananas and mountain dew a little further on the trail. Now I felt great. I did my first 26 mile day. Duh! I need food! In Big Bear I really started eating.

In the Sierras I shrunk and shriveled up from starvation. At one point in the Sierras, because I didn't expect to do so few miles each day (I started doing 20-ish but then two passes a day was too much so had to cut back), I ran out of food and was rationing. A handful of nuts for lunch, diet Crystal Light for dinner. Oddly I wasn't really that hungry although I was very hungry, if that makes sense. I lost whatever was left. My breasts became empty sacks. I became an emotional wreck.

They say hikers need anywhere from 3000 to 10,000 calories on the trail. Closer to 3000 if you hike less than 10 miles a day. Closer to 10,000 if you're up to 30 or more. It's really strange to need so much food. But you learn soon the more you eat the farther you can go. In 2009 I was regularly hiking 30 miles a day. No way was I eating 10,000 calories, but I bet I was close. My typical day of food was:

• Two trail bars, or 1/4 bag of fig newtons, or one bowl of dense cereal with powdered milk
• 1 stack of Pepperidge Farm cookies (some have 2 stacks per bag and some have 3)
• About 2 inches deep of hummus in my 1 liter pot with crackers to scoop it up
• 1 King sized candy (M&Ms, Reeses Pieces, Candy Bar)
• 1/3 box of Cheese-its, sometimes with a couple spoonfuls of peanut butter
• At least one diet hydration drink and 2 Emergenc-C packets
  
• Almost 1 liter of dense pasta with 1 packet of Alfredo cheese powder, 1-2 individually wrapped cheese sticks and maybe some dried veggies
• 1 King sized candy or large candy (gummy bears, 1/2 giant Hershey bar, M&Ms, Reeses or Candy Bar) for dessert
  

I don't think that adds up to 10,000, but I wouldn't be surprised if it's over 5000. I can guess that some of the trail towns I was consuming close to 10,000 calories to make up for the deficit on the trail. The truly great thing about long distance hiking is that it's the only time in your life when it's not just guiltless but it's your grave responsibility, your duty, your job to eat all you can.

In 2009 my hiker hunger hit quickly within about 200 miles. I made sure to eat as soon as the hunger kicked in. I lost the padding from off-trail life, but otherwise I had no sunken cheeks, no shriveling.

I still get hungry easily but I'm getting better. The hunger has mostly subsided, but it comes back easily. I think I'm actually starting to lose the weight I gained since returning home again. Maybe I'll finally even back out to normal or reach a place where I can lose weight and be fit like a hiker without having to hike all day like a hiker. I can only hope.

Letter to someone on how to keep going

Someone asked me how to deal with emotions on the trail and how to keep going when the desire to quit comes over you. Since I had said that I got emotional quite often on the trail, I was contacted for advice.

I don't know if I have useful advice or not. I don't really consider myself too terribly emotional, but something about being on the trail I felt more of everything. Everything was so magnified. I would cry most often just because I finally had something good to eat or somebody was nice to me! So many times I would be blubbering over a plate of food in a restaurant. It was embarrassing.

I guess what helped was that I wasn't hanging around anybody, especially not 25 year old guys. The only person I had to prove anything to was myself. I did hike with people a few brief times and that was helpful, too. But I preferred to go it alone.

As for wanting to quit? I wanted to quit only twice. Once was in the High Sierra. It's just too rugged there or maybe the high altitude messes with my mind. I gave up before Muir Pass and actually hiked out to Bishop, rented a car and drove home. I cried the whole way up and over Bishop pass. When I got home I was like, what the heck am I doing home?

My boyfriend said let's go back to the trail and hike a small section together so we drove back and hiked from Mammoth to Yosemite. Along the way he said to me that I had to keep going, I had to finish what I started. My story didn't have a happy ending and he was living vicariously through it. He said it was the only thing making his work stress manageable. So I agreed, but no more High Sierra. He bumped me up to Sonora Pass and I hiked north from there.

I have since completed the section between Yosemite and Sonora Pass, but I have not completed the 60 miles I missed between Bishop Pass and Mammoth. Hike your own hike. My hike just doesn't include that part and I'm at peace with it.

The other time I wanted to quit was after putting up with the mosquitoes for several weeks in Oregon and then being rained on for a couple of weeks in Washington. But I didn't want to quit enough to actually quit. I knew that if I quit so far north I would never return. I knew if I quit I would feel disappointed and angry with myself. So I just kept going.

Little things kept me going, things like knowing that I was doing something I had always wanted to do, feeling at home in the forest and hating how awful it is in cities with all the cars and ugliness, and being able to eat as much as I wanted didn't hurt! The beauty of the wilderness and knowing it was my home, feeling so completely at home in it, was uplifting.

Taking rests helped. I spent 3 days out of the mosquitoes in Oregon and after that I was able to laugh at them a little more. I spent 4 days out of the weather in Washington and after that I was ready to keep going. Anytime I wanted out of the wilderness I just got out and rested. I was so strong I could look at 60 miles ahead of me and know I could be out tomorrow if I wanted. As long as I never went home, I knew I could continue. So that was my rule. Never go home. I carried a Canadian flag on my pack to remind me.

The kindness of others helped. And having people be really interested in my experience helped. They would help me remember that what I was doing was worth completing.

What I wish I could have done differently was have a better attitude about the mosquitoes and rain (actually, it was the overgrown, wet bushes on the trail). I wish they hadn't ruined my morale. I was having the time of my life until then, and then I let those things get to me. I couldn't snap out of it. I wished I could have changed it, but I don't know how. So I just kept going no matter what.

I have to say when I got to the last day on the trail and I wasn't able to find the sign-in register at the Canadian border, the idea of going back the 8 miles to sign the register was something I turned down. I was ready to go home. The time when I had gone home from Bishop I hadn't really been ready. The times I was miserable with mosquitoes and wet bushes I wasn't ready. But when I got to the border, I was ready. Even now, with my boyfriend planning to hike from Campo to Kennedy Meadows I have no desire to do all that with him. I am very happy that I completed it. Knowing that I would be happy with the completion is what really kept me going.

Good luck and I know you can make it. Just don't go home no matter what. It's totally worth it to have this kind of achievement. You will carry around a secret understanding of how powerful you are, what you are capable of, that nobody, no mean boss, no petty co-workers, no abusive people can ever take away. You will know where the hole in the fence is and that this so-called "real world" isn't real at all and you know where to go to find the true real world. It's incredibly powerful to have this knowledge.

The nature of success

I feel that success isn't all it's cracked up to be. I've worked in a high-quality corporate environment but I just didn't feel like I had the drive to be like the ones working their way up to the top. That kind of success didn't appeal to me.

Quitting to hike the PCT had opportunity and professional costs but in the end it worked out. I left my good corporate job and came back unwilling to go back to that. Instead I eke out an existence at half the wage but I have a little more freedom, a little less pressure. I get to see the sun during the day. I'm happier. I think happiness is important.

I feel like hiking offers me an area of achievement and success that I probably won't ever attain at the same high levels in a job. I often joke that my web site about hiking and being pretty good at hiking are the only truly successful things I've ever done. With those things I've achieved a small measure of fame, a lot of respect, some admiration and even, embarrassingly a little big of adulation. Yes, I have fans. Ha ha.

As long as I'm still hiking and still able to pay my bills, it's all good. As long as I'm happy and not taking pills to get through my crappy life (I've been there, too), it's even better.