It has been sinking in lately at some deep level, that without any plan to return to the PCT or to hike another long trail, that I'm not a long-distance hiker anymore. It had become such a big part of my identity and now it's gone.

For as much as I complained, I truly felt like I was being my essential self when I was out there. I loved the trail community. I loved living in the forest. I loved walking. There was something incredibly satisfying about being so physical each day and carrying all my belongings and having mastery over my gear and all my needs.

Without being on the trail, I'm no longer a member of the community of the trail. This saddens me. Next year when the hikers are out there, I'll just be another city person, and here in the city, I'm not a member of any community. My loneliness on the trail was pleasurable. The loneliness of the city is alienating.

There is something terribly not right about this. I don't know what to do about it. I must return to the trail someday. But what do I do in the meantime?

I might turn down my new job

I don't know what to think about this new job of mine. I'm supposed to be going in each morning and working in some sort of trial basis. If I like the job and they like me, then I stay.

I'm starting to think maybe I should turn down the job. I keep trying to go in to work and the guy there who has all the necessary things for me to start working never shows up. I leave messages asking people to let me know when is a good time to come in. I don't hear back.

So I'm thinking my next tactic will have to be to either tell them to get me all set up with a decent development environment and I'll just try to figure out things on my own without having that other guy be there, or else I will have to turn down the job.

I'm also starting to think maybe I should turn down the job because it seems almost too casual. It's shocking to think that maybe I'm a lot more hard-working and ambitious than I thought I was. I have no desire to rise in the ranks or claw my way to the top or scheme my way towards more money and power. I just want to work hard, be needed, have a chance to learn something new and have a little fun at the same time.

Raccoons ruined my garden

Well, my garden was gopher-proof but not raccoon-proof. The raccoons destroyed most of it. At least the lettuce and spinach survived.

We will have to build a little fence for it. Then start again.